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watching my mind with closed eyes

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as winter falls [Dec. 2nd, 2007|01:50 pm]
I am lonely.

didn't think it would happen but it has.
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moments of reflection [Aug. 20th, 2007|06:20 pm]
Sometimes I don’t know why or where else to look. Why be fascinated or intrigued by a stranger I interviewed? Was it the emails he sent? Yet there was never any romantic association to them. I just got giddy at the fact that someone like him was willing to share his experiences with me. Perhaps it just made me distracted and inspired to hear about someone else’s life for a change. A lifestyle that maybe deep down inside I wish I had the courage to pursue.
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btw [Jul. 7th, 2007|01:37 am]
Did I ever say I got my closure with mr. swede last year? It was about this time that I was there with him at a club le lounge. Since then i never saw him again and I feel 100% better.
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the days go by i change yet i stay the same to me [Jul. 7th, 2007|12:58 am]
I am a calmer person now than ever before and am looking forward to making music very soon.
I popped my guitar string the other day because i thought i was tuning the g chord rather than the d chord! an obvious stupid mistake on not remembering my chord progressions properly but we all have our days and for once i didn't say damn it, you'll never be good at music if you don't know that! instead i laughed so hard shook my head and thought it's a sign - you need to get new strings! I was supposed to change them anyway a few years ago so this was just another indicator saying out with the old and in with the new!

Now if only I can find my ideal man or if only he can return to me , i know he lives in Rotterdam occasionally!

In other news, I've taken a break from doing the show and that is a great big sigh of relief and relaxation. My ego is not quite sure how to deal with it but my spirit is relieved to discover that I've finally realized what I should be doing, which is producing my own work. be it in music or potential projects for exhibits whichever i am no longer allowing myself to stifle my creativity. I must project my ideas brewing in my head and buy the necessary tools to help me craft it. I need to invest in myself and then the rest will follow.

PS: Living on my own is quite amazing too! I get to know myself more & more and I like what I see :-)
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malaga and paris [Feb. 3rd, 2007|01:58 am]
By the way, I went to Malaga and Paris a few weeks ago for work and leisure, discovered various cities and ancient villas ... the south of spain (andalusia) is quite majestic by nature, mountains on one side and the sea on the other. A unilingual culture but adapts to foreigners without the ridicule.
Sweet tasting wine, mouth watering tapas, breezy stone built cliffs, restaurants by the sea, a sun that sets as the moon rises hovering over the city gleaming the stars and an air that is fresher than I've breathed in quite some time. Unless I was surrounded by mopeds ;-)

Since my trip my priorities on what I want to be and where I see myself has started to formulate.
I have not set plan but I know that this trip was to foreshadow many changes within my personal life.
I am happy with this trip because it taught me how precious my alone time can be especially when living in another city only for a few days without knowing the language. It's the perfect situation. You don't feel obliged to fully adapt and immerse yourself in it yet you do yearn to want to fit in someway or somehow to prove to yourself that you could live in that type of world.

someone once asked me if my mini trips was just an excuse for me to find the city I dream or aspire to live in.

The more I think about it the more i realize, he's right. I have been shopping for a city to live in but it's so sub-conscious.

I don't see myself moving to Europe this year, but, i do hope one day i will.
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just some notes to myself [Feb. 3rd, 2007|01:37 am]
So I'm moving . End of April , wish me luck.
Downtown or around in a studio somewhere familiar would be good...
My folks have bought their new place somewhere up north and i'm a co-signer.
Now I am just waiting for my heart to open up to someone fresh and creative
someone who can inspire, caress, seduce and co-exist with me.
perhaps it is but a constant craving of attention.
of a personal attention... of a reassurance
that yes wmm you've taken the steps and are doing things on your own now
so go ahead and be strong and don't look back
but i'm not like that.
i linger in my past
for now it's my comfortable reality
it permits me to not see beyond what i am used to
i'm starting to scratch my surface quite litterally
i have slight slim scars on my arms and back
perhaps it is because i really want to get to the root of me
what is burning deep down inside,
the urge to create
to offer something that makes even myself say " wow or oh, cool"
satisfaction
isolation
deprivation
longevity
find some serenity perhaps

go back to my core to me who i started being 10 years ago and to grow from that creative seed that I know I still have.

everyone is alone anyway. so i'm not so alone as i think.
priorities
tolerance
patience
change

will i still do the show?

unpredictable
careful
delightful

away
somber
but happy.
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ahh maybe one day ? nothing is impossible [Dec. 25th, 2006|05:04 pm]
how sweet it is.
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for fun [Oct. 25th, 2006|09:39 pm]
[Current Location |germany ?]
[mood | dreamy]
[music |fascination - gentle touch]

So there's this site www.skytalk.org
that lets you write whatever you want and it then gets displayed on an aeroleon fan or wind mill ?( i think that's what they're called?) alongside a highway somewhere in Germany. So i decided i'd go for it and write the following:

sweet innate emotions spurt out of control within a glass heart
swirled upside down into a temptuous island of fate, searching in spite of the truth you already know, still blind to hear the words i've kept in my mind
always longing ... tell me am i get closer to you ... or further?

random whispers soothe the temple of your soul and remind you to smile because life is short. enjoy it now.


i think i just like putting words together.


i'm still fascinated and infatuated with one of the creators of this skytalk thingy.

go figure.
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it's been a while since i've posted one of these [Oct. 17th, 2006|09:22 pm]
Norwegian surprises guards by breaking into prison
Mon Oct 16, 9:35 AM



OSLO, Norway (AP) - In a different kind of jail break, a very drunk young man surprised prison guards by breaking into their northern Norway jail.



"You might say we were a bit perturbed to find this person on our turf," prison warden Geir Broen said on the state radio network NRK on Monday.


Broen said the district prison in the Arctic town of Bodoe is rebuilding its outer fence, and that the man broke through a section of temporary fencing.


The weak fence is of no help to real prisoners seeking a way out, since they are confined within the walls of the jail compound.


The Norwegian, identified only as being in his 20s, was apparently trying to find his way home after a Friday night party.


"I don't think this guy knew where he was, and he was pretty well under the influence," Broen said on the radio.


When police came to pick up the man to take him home, he told them he thought he was in Moerkved, a neighbourhood about 10 kilometers east of the prison.


"I guess you could say this was notable day in the history of the Bodoe Jail," Broen said. "But I hope we don't have many similar incidents in the future."
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(no subject) [Oct. 14th, 2006|04:42 am]
so why oh why i repeat in my head
i meet two guys one who is too old and so not my type and the other who is cute but is too austin like.
ugh
why do i go for european men it's like suicide each time
perhaps i am masochistic

can you believe it
i'm hanging on to moments brought on by mr w german dude
ugh!

but he was so hot although i must admit
he is probably 10 yrs older than i am!
ack scary
but he was so very yummy
hence past tense
get a clue wmm
what else is new eh?
going after people who are always living outside of canada
perhaps since i cannot seem, to do it now with my job
i try to escape by being with someone abroad
who knows??
so today's conference went well more quiet than i thought
had a few drinks with my cool brit supervisor who is happily married and it reminded me (upon hearing his anecdotes on how he met his really sweet wife :-))how true love or love at first sight does exist.

but it takes time
so i guess i should give myself time

but i was "blessed" with restlessness!
i want him now
where are you???
the mr now
i thought mr w was it !!!
for now
lol
of course getting the . didn't help!!!!
argh blasphemy
why do i always get the . before anything exciting or memorable happens
perhaps because it is not meant to be with the person i think
but hell that "perfect" person for me better come quick 'cause i might lose it !!!

ok 11:50pm must go to bed and stop writing profanities !
conference breakfast at 7:30am
flight at 1pm --fun fun fun!

Yeehaw! Austin rocks by the way -- there's a misconception about that city that had changed significantly!
the music variety is different and the people well they are more out-spoken and liberal too!
my supervisor was saying it can be considered the little california ( or something along those lines)
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so what's new with you this week? [Oct. 8th, 2006|12:25 pm]
Going to austin ,tx for a conference on thursday - hardcore excitement in cowcountry my friends!
YEEHAW!

in other news, it appears that i have developed a crush on a german film curator who was in town last week.

i'm still wondering why i'm attracted to men who come from germanic/nordic/slavic based countries who evoke a touch of gayness at first glance but then you realise it's their metrosexual je ne sais quoi!

*sigh*

i'm telling myself he probably has a kid somewhere ...lol! so it is but a temporary crush. but damn he was hot!
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so what is the point again? [Aug. 27th, 2006|07:32 pm]
here on a rainy sunday
waiting for my thoughts to make sense
to have a clearer direction with my life's path
it was certain when i was seven-teen
my life has changed drastically since then
for once i don't look forward to my high school reunion
i'm not yet where i want to be
why is that?
perhaps i don't believe in myself enough to reach my deepest desires
that or that i've been susceptible to others to teach me something
to feel that i need others in order to accomplish more for myself

love me leave me do what you will

andrea sure knows how to sing songs that hit a nerve !
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in dismay [Aug. 23rd, 2006|09:52 am]
[mood | sad]

they are getting killed and i am here debating my future. my cousin was arrested and let go. now red cross is fleeing and i can't seem to care enough to do something to stop them i still don't know what to get as a gift for my uncle here.why does this matter? because my uncle is from that country. my uncle means a lot to me but it seems as if i want to detach myself from my family. two different worlds. the world here permits me to not focus on emotions and remain detached because it will hurt way too much if i let their world infiltrate mine. i'm self-absorbed and helpless.my cousins my family is on the brink of extinction and i feel like time has run out for me to have tried to do anything to help them. if this ckut collective can do something and put pressure on the cad government to stop it before it gets much worst then i must participate. meeting is today at 6:30pm.

we've been wanting to get them out but you can't unless you live in columbo and even at that they don't give papers to tamils apparently.
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(no subject) [Aug. 14th, 2006|11:13 pm]
A previous post written incompletely when i was still on a high.

news flash

peace treaty in lebanon to keep the mainstream birds happy for a little while
to distract from the politics on all the western and eastern sides

this is one heck of a long game of risk my friends

it's going to last my whole lifetime

personal news flash

my cousin was arrested by the srig for some reason

they pick at random just like they kill

and tigers over there seem to allow it until the bombs begin and they wait and strike

but it's the tigers that cause the harm but it's the srig that created the genocide

and it continues

and it's getting more personal

and still it continues

without anybody up in the high ranks of devil

trying to stop it

the anti-christ has risen

his northern neighbor supporting

churning our colours into blood

and we wait with some protest and the occasional oh he'll be gone soon

'cause our jobs are too low for us to complain about anything anymore

and we'll use chemicals to appease our souls because we no longer know

where or who to trust, numb we test and dumbed by our own common sense
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why here? [Aug. 14th, 2006|11:04 pm]
A few people asked me and Mme E this question throughout our journey in Stockholm to Gothenburg and Copenhagen. Each time I answered them a simple response : why not? I did understand why they asked, since, well... the cities are very similar in urban landscaping as Canadian cities and the way of life (eco conscious and shopping--hmm how do those two go together if at all?) is similar but it's the history, the culture and their role within Europe and the world that intrigued me more to want to discover these cities. Of course getting the infamous closure was another important deciding factor for me in going on this trip.
3 years is what it took for me to grow up.

"partout à travers l'étranger, je suis un citoyen du monde."

this was the last phrase I read and in French too in Arlanda Airport. I thought that was a nice finishing touch to the trip.

One day I will go back and re-visit. Maybe even live there ;-)
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the grand goodbye -deja vu & a card punch to consider? [Jun. 22nd, 2006|09:31 am]
[Current Location |www.prometour.com]
[mood | rejuvenated]
[music |goodbye my lover just played on the radio]

when i used to hear this type of music i used to feel a twinge of sadness

of pain to know that i was never going to be with him again

and now after so much time and reconnecting

i am so not sad anymore. it's liberating and refreshing.

i'm getting even more ready to say hello and goodbye.

on to the next.
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news here and there [Jun. 4th, 2006|09:12 pm]
[mood | artistic]
[music |madrugada and franz ferdidand]

empty emotions but good news
listening to a song by ff on drugs seeping through your veins
never felt that don't want to
but i can certainly relate to that feeling of missing something
or habits that then make you numb when you no longer have that routine
you grew comfortable with
like that person who can possibly get under your skin
it hasn't happened to me in a while
and at times i think it still hasn't
mr drummer boy is a nice distraction
but not serious enough for me to think that anything would go anywhere
he's too confused or perhaps the word is inbetween
heard that one before

and then i play madrugada's hands up i love you and i shift in mood and my emotions are revived to a simple understanding of myself and who i am becoming
i am not too afraid of myself as i once was
it's take me a while and it still will but i'm getting there

news

1st news: i'm completely over mr. swede

yes it is official and about time, it took me three years and i know why it did
so that's good.

2nd news: i'm going to sweden and danemark with mme e at the end of july
and for once i'm not telling mr swede because honestly there's no reason to.
how odd isn't it?
at first i question myself...really? do you mean that ?
and my answer remains the same with a big smile
yes
i do mean it
i don't need to see him, what we had is dead and in the past it's time to move on and that's what i'm doing.

besides the real reason we're going there is because france and london are too bloody expensive -currency exchance, air ticket costs the same as it does to stockholm and the cost of living too. so why not go to a place where it's always like that unlike going to a place which fluctuates every summer and is 400 cheaper than it is this summer.

funniest part of all of this --this was mme e's decision and not my own --she keeps on asking me if i'm sure i want to go -her heart's been set on copenhagen -- i'm up for any of them. i need to take advantage of it while i still can 'cause next year my living arrangements are going to change.
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it's just a matter of time [Apr. 26th, 2006|11:34 pm]
everything works that way i think?

forgot what i was going to write this time?

once again when did i decide that i'd let my mind by preoccupied by someone who obviously is no longer paying attention to me. why am i surprised? it's typical.

and annoying. why do i want those who don't want me anymore?how self-destructive is that?

who will be next?

perhaps i set my standards up again a little to much
or didn't expect for it work out from the beginning

i remember telling mme E that it was too good to be true
and she's told me to move on with from it already
but it bugs me
why the sudden change?
why is it whenever i finally admit to something and want to pursue something and get rid of my inhibitions that's when the guy says oh, ok, i'm out of here. What gives?

Thinking about this of course is entertaining.
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hmmm [Apr. 23rd, 2006|06:53 pm]
For MySpace, Making Friends Was Easy. Big Profit Is Tougher.





Monica Almeida/The New York Times


Chris DeWolfe, left, and Tom Anderson of MySpace.com credit the site's owner, Rupert Murdoch, with understanding today's younger generation.




For MySpace, Making Friends Was Easy. Big Profit Is Tougher
Published: April 23, 2006

Ross Levinsohn, president of Fox Interactive Media, says he wants advertisers to have their own MySpace profiles, just like the teenagers'.




ALMOST on a lark, Chris DeWolfe bought the Internet address MySpace.com in 2002, figuring that it might be useful someday. At first, he used the site to peddle a motorized contraption, made in China and called an E-scooter, for $99.

Selling products online comes naturally to him. Having jumped into the Internet business in the early days, Mr. DeWolfe had become a master of the aggressive forms of online marketing, including e-mail messages and pop-up advertising. After the Internet bubble burst, he even built a site that let people download computer cursors in the form of waving flags; the trick was that they also downloaded software that would monitor their Internet movements and show them pop-up ads.

Very quickly, however, Mr. DeWolfe's tactics for MySpace changed. He had noticed the popularity of Friendster, a rapidly growing Web site that let people communicate with their friends and meet the friends of their friends. What would happen, he wondered, if he combined this type of social networking with the sort of personal expression enabled by other sites for creating Web pages or online journals?

He convinced the executives of eUniverse, the company that had bought his own marketing firm, ResponseBase, to back his plan. As soon as the site was reintroduced, in the summer of 2003, Mr. DeWolfe saw it grow quickly with little marketing. And although his scrappy backer was hungry for cash, he resisted pressure to flood MySpace with advertising and to turn all of its members into money.

"Chris came from ResponseBase, and they knew all the direct marketing tactics to get money out of almost anything," said Brett C. Brewer, the former president of eUniverse, which was later renamed Intermix Media. "But I give him credit: from literally the first or second month, he realized MySpace could be something we really need to protect because user confidence in the site was paramount."

Now MySpace has a new owner — Rupert Murdoch's News Corporation, which bought MySpace and Intermix last year for $649 million — and the pressure on Mr. DeWolfe to find a way to make much more money from MySpace is far greater.

But the opportunity is greater, too. More than 70 million members have signed up — more than twice as many as MySpace had when Mr. Murdoch agreed to buy it — drawn by a simple format that lets users build their own profile pages and link to the pages of their friends. It has tapped into three passions of young people: expressing themselves, interacting with friends and consuming popular culture.

MySpace now displays more pages each month than any other Web site except Yahoo. More pages, of course, means more room for ads. And, in theory, those ads can be narrowly focused on each member's personal passions, which they conveniently display on their profiles. As an added bonus for advertisers, the music, photos and video clips that members place on their profiles constitutes a real-time barometer of what is hot.

FOR now, MySpace is charging bargain-basement rates to attract enough advertisers for the nearly one billion pages it displays each day. The company will have revenue of about $200 million this year, estimated Richard Greenfield of Pali Capital, a brokerage firm in New York. That is less than one-twentieth of Yahoo's revenue.

In buying MySpace, Mr. Murdoch also bought a tantalizing problem: how to tame a vast sea of fickle and unruly teenagers and college students just enough to notice advertising or to buy things, yet not make the site so commercial that he scares off his audience. At the same time, he must address the real and growing concerns of parents and teachers who see MySpace as a den of youthful excess and, potentially, as a lure for sexual predators.

Mr. Murdoch's initial strategy seems to be to do nothing to interfere with whatever alchemy attracted so many young people to MySpace in the first place. So he has embraced Mr. DeWolfe, 40, and Tom Anderson, 30, the company's president and co-founder, and their close-knit management team. And he is providing them with the cash to reinforce MySpace's shaky computer system and to hire armies of sales representatives to bring in more money from the banner ads and sponsored pages that MySpace sells.

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"and i'm not giving up anytime soon" [Apr. 22nd, 2006|01:01 am]
[mood | pensive]
[music |gabrielle - neptune - this song makes me think]

What is it that I really want?

Am I supposed to be musician or am I supposed to meet musicians and showcase their work and hear them out.

I used to play two instruments and trained my voice for years
and then

I stopped

I tried to experiment within another realm of sound and although i know i can still obtain a great eclectic mix of music and sounds into one
i remain puzzled on how and why i have always limited myself.

this is foreign to musicians who practice their craft like it was breathing, it comes as a second nature, sort of like whistling for me

i;ve come to substitute it with that
how long will i be substituting myself?

i keep on hearing this expression, take the gifts God gave you and use it, I still feel that I'm not using my voice to its full potential

because i'm insecure even if i've been trained more than some
because i don't know where it would take me because i have little to
no faith in the music industry or have the yearning to struggle for the next coming years of my life...

still i feel like i've been playing it safe to no one else's satisfaction including my own. i just work so i can pay stuff off and live the average comfortable lifestyle. not higher not greater.
i'm here and there.

why am i always impatient?
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